Simple Tools to Help Your Child See That Losing Helps Them Grow

Why Losing Feels So Big to Children—and What You Can Do About It

If your child falls apart after every board game loss or crumbles over school setbacks, you’re not alone. Many parents of children aged 6 to 12 find themselves navigating meltdowns, self-doubt, or even avoidance when kids are asked to face something they didn’t “win” at. And if you’re feeling emotionally exhausted, you have every reason to be. Watching your child struggle with failure can be one of the hardest parts of parenting.

But here’s the thing: learning how to lose—and more importantly, how to grow from losing—is a foundational life skill. And while it doesn’t come naturally to every child, especially those who are more sensitive or perfectionist by nature, it can be learned. With the right tools and mindsets, you can gently help your child shift their view of losing from a source of shame or frustration, to an opportunity to build resilience, perspective, and self-worth that isn’t tied to being “the best.”

Start With Empathy, Not Solutions

Before you jump into strategies, the most powerful move you can make is simply acknowledging how hard losing feels to your child. Tears over a failed math test or rage after a soccer loss aren’t signs of being spoiled or too emotional—they're a reflection of how much your child cares and how little internal experience they have to process disappointment yet.

Try phrases like, “It’s okay to be upset. That game was important to you,” or “You really wanted to win, and it’s hard that you didn’t.” This doesn’t encourage wallowing; it builds trust. From that foundation, your child is much more open to learning that mistakes and losses are actually valuable stepping stones.

Focus on Progress, Not Perfection

When losing becomes about “not being as good as someone else,” it chips away at motivation. But when children are coached to look at what they’ve learned or how they've improved, a different story unfolds. You might say:

• “You missed a few words on the spelling test, but you spelled more correctly than last week.”
• “You didn’t win the game, but I noticed you helped a teammate and stayed calm even when it was frustrating.”

These reflections shift the conversation away from outcome and toward growth. If this topic resonates with you, our article on helping your child put things in perspective offers more tools like these.

Use Stories to Build Emotional Muscles

Children are often more willing to explore tough topics like losing or messing up when it’s happening to someone else first. That’s where stories come in. Books and audio stories that feature characters facing challenges can transport children into a safe space where it’s easier to process emotions and talk about what they’d do differently.

The iOS and Android versions of the LISN Kids App are filled with original audio stories specifically designed for ages 3–12. Many of these tales gently explore competition, frustration, problem-solving, and personal growth through age-appropriate narratives and emotional arcs.

Try listening to a story together during car rides or quiet time, and then casually explore how your child would have handled the situation. This indirect approach can unlock conversations that feel too big in the moment of frustration.

Practice Losing in Low-Stakes Ways (Yes, Really)

It might sound unconventional, but setting up opportunities for your child to lose—in a safe, connected way—can be transformative. Games, role plays, or even playful challenges where the goal isn’t to win but to manage emotions and reflect on effort can gently strengthen your child’s frustration tolerance.

You can get inspiration from our in-depth piece on educational games that help children cope with losing. These aren’t just any games; they’re specially created to teach perseverance, collaboration, and emotional self-regulation without pressure.

And remember—your tone while playing matters far more than the game itself. Laugh about silly mistakes, model shrugging off a loss, and talk openly about how even adults have to practice losing sometimes.

Use Setbacks as Emotional Learning Moments

It’s tempting to fix things when your child is upset. Maybe you’re tempted to rewrite a paper for them, give them the answer to avoid frustration, or reassure them that it “doesn’t matter.” But in doing so, we often miss a crucial teaching moment. What your child needs most in those moments isn’t a solution—it’s support to feel their feelings and reflect afterwards.

After things calm down, come back to the moment and ask: “What was the hardest part for you?” or “What will you try differently next time?” Over time, these post-game or post-test conversations add up. Children learn that losing isn’t the end—it’s the beginning of getting better.

Need help shaping those conversations? Our article on building resilience and tolerance for failure offers practical scripts and techniques you can try today.

Celebrate Effort Out Loud

We often praise results: the A, the win, the goal. But what you praise becomes what your child believes is valued. Shift your parenting lens to celebrate behavior and effort instead:

• “I noticed how hard you concentrated, even when it got tricky.”
• “You kept going, even after your first try didn’t work. That’s real courage.”

This helps children associate value with persistence, learning, and courage—not just success. Over time, this becomes part of their identity: “I’m someone who keeps trying,” rather than “I have to win or I fail.”

If you need more ideas on how to safely talk about losing with your child, this round-up of the best audio resources for discussing losing is a great companion to your toolbox.

Let the Lessons of Losing Build Confidence

It might feel counterintuitive—but losing, when handled with care and connection, helps children build confidence that outlasts any trophy. That’s because a child who learns to stay steady, reflective, and flexible in the face of frustration is far more prepared to thrive in school, relationships, and life than one who never faces a setback at all.

You don’t need to engineer dramatic moments to teach this. You just need consistent, kind support in helping your child see that losing is not only allowed—but necessary. It’s not a detour from success. It’s part of the path.

And you’re right there, walking it with them.