My Child Always Wants to Be the Best: How to Help Them Put Things in Perspective

Understanding the Pressure to Always Be the Best

If you're raising a child who constantly wants to win, be first, get perfect grades, or outshine the crowd, you're not alone. Many parents worry when their child seems obsessed with being "the best," especially when this drive begins to impact their emotional well-being. You may notice your child melting down after small setbacks, avoiding new challenges for fear of failure, or tying their entire self-worth to performance. It's natural to want to encourage ambition—but not at the cost of confidence, joy, or mental health.

So, how can you support a child who struggles to cope with not being number one? The answer is less about telling them to "calm down" or "not take things so seriously" and more about helping them understand their feelings and shift their definition of success.

When Striving Turns into Stress

Children aged 6 to 12 are forming deeper ideas about themselves. This stage is when they start comparing, competing, and defining success through external validation—grades, wins, praise. For some kids, the drive to be the best becomes tangled with their sense of self-worth. When they can’t be the best, they may feel like they’ve failed entirely.

It’s important to differentiate healthy motivation from perfectionism or anxiety. You might notice signs like these:

• Overreacting to small mistakes.
• Refusing to try new things unless they’re sure they’ll excel.
• Comparing themselves constantly to others.
• Seeking constant validation from teachers or parents.

In these situations, the goal isn’t to dim their inner fire, but to guide it so it doesn't burn them out.

Helping Your Child Redefine Success

One of the most powerful ways you can help is by gently shifting the focus from being the best to doing your best. Children often need help seeing that growth and effort are achievements in themselves.

Start by celebrating the process, not just the outcome. Praise their effort, persistence, creativity, and progress. For example, instead of, “You got the highest score—great job!” try saying, “I noticed how focused you were during your work today. That’s what helped you improve.”

Many parents find it helpful to use stories or examples to make abstract concepts feel more real to kids. This is where quality time and shared conversations—perhaps during a walk or over dinner—can create safe opportunities to talk about disappointment, learning, and resilience. You’ll also find that audio stories, such as those on the iOS or Android versions of the LISN Kids App, offer a lovely way to explore themes like imperfection and self-worth in a way that feels fun, soothing, and non-judgmental.

Turning Loss into Lessons

Every child experiences defeat—losing a game, failing a test, being chosen second. But for the child who insists on being the best, small losses can feel like devastating blows. This is a vital teaching moment, one that helps build long-term emotional resilience.

Instead of trying to shield your child from all disappointment, gradually help them face it—with support. If your child loses a board game and spirals into anger or tears, it’s not just about the game. It’s a chance to help them understand that they can handle discomfort, and that it’s okay not to win every time. Here are some helpful reads to support you in this:

• Helping Your Child Build a Healthy Relationship with Games
• How to Turn Defeat into a Growth Story
• A Gentle Way to Talk About Failure with Young Kids

When emotions run high, emphasize that feelings of anger or sadness after losing are normal, but they don’t define who your child is. “You’re disappointed—and I get it. But this doesn’t mean you’re not smart or capable. This is just one moment.”

Modeling the Mindset You Want to Teach

Children learn more from what we do than from what we say. If you struggle with perfectionism yourself, it’s okay to admit that. In fact, being open about your own challenges can be incredibly freeing for your child.

Try phrases like:

• “I made a mistake at work today—and I learned from it.”
• “I practiced a lot, and even though I didn’t get it right the first time, I kept going.”
• “Doing something hard helped me grow.”

Over time, your child will see that success isn’t about getting everything right—it’s about showing up, staying curious, and trying your best.

Final Thoughts: Giving Your Child Permission to Be Human

Your child doesn’t need to be the best—they just need to feel safe, valued, and supported as they grow. When your child begins to understand that perfection isn’t expected or realistic, they can begin to define success in healthier, kinder ways.

Take it one conversation, one story, one tearful moment at a time. The goal isn’t to teach them to stop caring—it’s to help them care in a way that builds them up rather than wears them down. For more daily inspiration and tools, don’t miss this helpful guide on how to help your child talk about losing, which is especially relevant for children who struggle with perfectionism.