How to Support Your Child Through Performance Anxiety at School

Understanding Where Performance Anxiety Comes From

You may have noticed your child tensing up before a quiz, panicking during homework, or breaking down after a less-than-perfect grade. It can be confusing—and heartbreaking. Why is school causing so much stress? Why are small setbacks turning into big emotional storms?

Performance anxiety is more common in children aged 6 to 12 than many realize. At this age, kids are just beginning to internalize messages about success, intelligence, and self-worth. School becomes not just a place of learning, but a stage on which they fear failure—or worse, disappointing the adults they care about most.

Recognizing performance anxiety as a real, valid struggle is the first step. It’s not just about being “too sensitive” or “not trying hard enough.” Often, at the heart of it is a child who deeply wants to do well—but fears they may not measure up.

Signs Your Child May Be Struggling with Performance Anxiety

Performance anxiety doesn’t always look like “nerves.” In fact, many children express their stress in other, subtler ways. You might notice:

• Refusing to attempt homework or suddenly avoiding tasks they previously enjoyed
• Crying before school or experiencing stomachaches and headaches in the morning
• Spending excessive time on assignments, driven by fear of making mistakes
• Using negative self-talk, like “I’m stupid” or “I’ll never get this right”

These are not signs that your child is lazy or unmotivated. They’re signs of fear—fear of failing, of not being good enough, of letting someone down.

Helping Your Child Redefine Success

One of the most impactful changes you can make is to gently shift how success is defined in your home. It’s easy, especially in academically oriented environments, to focus on grades or performance. But what if effort, curiosity, and resilience were just as celebrated?

Help your child understand that growth matters more than perfection. You might say, “What mattered to me is that you stayed focused, even when the math was hard,” or “You tried a new strategy today—that’s brave.” This helps children build intrinsic motivation and self-worth linked to effort, not outcome.

If your child struggles with negative thinking patterns, you may find this guide to building self-esteem in anxious kids especially helpful.

Creating a Safe Space to Process Big Feelings

Anxiety often feeds on isolation. Kids may internalize the belief that they’re the only ones feeling this way, or worse—that their emotions are a problem. You don’t need to eliminate anxiety (that’s not realistic), but you can become a safe harbor where it’s okay to feel, talk, and just be.

Sometimes, what helps most isn’t advice—it’s connection. You could try saying, “It seems like you’re worried about tomorrow’s test. Do you want to talk about what’s on your mind or sit quietly for a bit?” Encourage your child’s words, but never demand them.

When emotions reach a boiling point, having a calm response matters. If you're unsure what to say in those moments, this resource on calming a child during an anxiety attack offers simple language that soothes.

Establishing Gentle, Soothing Routines

Routine does not mean rigidity. In the context of a child with performance anxiety, routines can create a predictable rhythm that makes the world feel safer. This is especially helpful in the hours before and after school—times when stress often runs highest.

Think of routines like anchors: they tether your child to a sense of normalcy. This might look like a five-minute morning cuddle, a shared family affirmation, or quiet audiobooks during homework downtime.

Routines have even more power when they include calming sensory input—soothing sounds, gentle voices, and comforting stories. That’s where tools like iOS or Android apps such as LISN Kids can step in. With audio series designed especially for children aged 3 to 12, the LISN Kids app invites them into calm, imaginative worlds where perfection doesn’t exist—only possibility. These kinds of practices, when embedded into gentle daily structures, ease anxiety over time.

For more ideas on using gentle structure to soothe anxiety, explore this article on the power of soothing routines for anxious kids.

Encouraging Mindfulness for Everyday Worries

Performance anxiety is often a future-focused fear: What if I fail? What if I mess up? Practicing mindfulness—with age-appropriate support—can help your child return to the present moment, where they are safe and enough, exactly as they are.

You don’t need elaborate techniques. Even a few rounds of deep breathing, counting to five while holding your child’s hand, or a short guided audio meditation can make anxiety feel less imposing.

Try these small steps gently and consistently, without forcing. Let mindfulness be an invitation, not a homework assignment.

The Gentle Path to Progress

If your child is melting down over a spelling test or hiding tears after getting 7 out of 10 on a worksheet, it may be tempting to fix it immediately. But the truth is, helping a child work through performance anxiety is rarely a one-time solution—it’s a process.

You’re already doing the most important thing by being here, reading this, asking how to help. It shows you see your child, not just their test scores or report cards. Keep showing up with your presence, your patience, and your belief that who they are is more important than what they achieve.

If your child often voices general worries about school, you may find comfort in this relatable article, "My 7-Year-Old Worries About Everything. What Can I Do to Help?".

You don’t need to solve every worry to be a safe place for them. You just need to walk alongside them, one calm breath—and one kind word—at a time.