How to Build Self-Esteem in an Anxious Child: A Parent’s Gentle Guide
Understanding the Link Between Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem
If you're raising a child who seems to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders—always worried, always second-guessing themselves—you're not alone. Many children between ages 6 and 12 struggle quietly with anxiety. And while their fears can be about seemingly small things—from a bad grade to a missed homework assignment—they often add up to something far deeper: low self-esteem.
Self-esteem isn't about inflated praise or over-the-top rewards. It’s a sense of self-worth that builds slowly, often in quiet moments: a reassuring nod, the warmth of gentle encouragement, or the confidence earned by facing small fears and surviving.
Start With Emotional Safety
Children with anxiety often feel unsafe—not necessarily in a physical sense, but emotionally. When a child feels they can’t meet expectations at school, struggles socially, or believes they always mess things up, their sense of self begins to erode. Emotional safety means they have someone who says, "I see your worry, and I’m here with you through it." That someone is often you.
One helpful place to begin is by acknowledging their fears without judgment. Avoid minimizing their anxieties—what seems irrational to us can feel overwhelmingly real to them. A simple "I believe you" or "That sounds really tough" tells your child that you value their internal world.
For more insight on nurturing calm through connection, this guide on comforting anxious children offers gentle, emotionally-tuned approaches that apply to older kids as well.
Help Them Experience Success—On Their Own Terms
It’s tempting to step in and help when you see your child struggle. But every time they face a fear, complete a tough homework task, or speak up in class—even just a little—they gain something far more valuable than a checkmark: a deep sense of "I did it." That’s where self-esteem begins.
Success doesn’t need to be grand. Maybe it’s finishing a worksheet without tears. Or asking a question even when they’re worried they’ll get it wrong. The key is helping them own the moment. Instead of offering general praise like, "Good job," try specific feedback: "You were nervous about reading aloud in class, but you did it anyway—that was brave."
To support this kind of growth gently, consider using daily routines to calm their nervous systems and prepare them emotionally for challenges. Soothing routines can take many forms—from a consistent bedtime wind-down to a morning mantra—and they create reliable anchors in a sea of uncertainty.
Reframe Negative Self-Talk Together
Anxious children are often their own harshest critics. You may hear your child say things like, "I’m bad at math," or "I’ll never get this right." These moments aren’t just passing complaints; they're clues into how your child sees themselves.
When you notice negative self-talk, don’t rush to correct it. Instead, be curious. Ask, "What makes you say that?" or "Is that a thought or a fact?" Helping your child challenge unhelpful thoughts without dismissing them entirely builds the muscle for self-kindness.
You can also model this reframing yourself. Voice your own mistakes and self-corrections aloud: "I forgot to pack your snack today. That doesn’t make me a bad parent—it just means I’m human." These micro-examples teach your child how to view themselves with compassion, not criticism.
Encourage Quiet Confidence, Not Performance
Many anxious kids are incredibly bright, sensitive, and observant. But they may hide their gifts behind a fear of being “wrong,” “weird,” or not good enough. As a parent, one of the most powerful ways you can support them is by creating space for joy and curiosity without the pressure of performance.
Instead of focusing only on achievement—grades, trophies, or praise from adults—spend time nourishing what your child loves just for the sake of loving it. Whether it’s drawing, telling stories, or playing quietly in their room, these activities nurture identity beyond fear or success.
This is also where helpful tools—like stories or audio experiences—can play a role. The iOS or Android version of the LISN Kids App offers gentle, age-appropriate audiobooks and original audio series designed to help children feel seen, soothed, and inspired—especially those who process the world inwardly.
Stories can be a comforting mirror—and sometimes, hearing another child face fears or solve problems through imagination can feel incredibly empowering.
Co-Regulation: The Heartbeat Behind Self-Esteem
Before your child can believe in themselves, they need to feel that someone else believes in them. This doesn’t have to look like constant reassurance. It can be a knowing glance across the dinner table. A quiet presence during schoolwork. The patience to sit with them during a nighttime anxiety attack instead of rushing to make it disappear.
If evenings are a particularly anxious time for your child, this article on nighttime anxiety offers grounded techniques for comfort and connection that can carry over into the next day.
And on harder days, when your child seems consumed by worries, it can help to simply sit together in stillness. Try a short breathing exercise or a guided meditation for kids you can do side by side. Teaching your child how to regulate their big emotions—by first feeling safe in yours—is perhaps the ultimate act of self-esteem building.
Remember: Progress Is Measured in Small Steps
If your anxious child seems stuck in patterns of self-doubt, it’s natural to worry. But self-esteem, like trust, takes time to grow—especially in sensitive kids. Some days they may surprise you with bravery. Other days, they may shrink back into fear. That’s okay. You’re not failing them. You’re walking alongside them.
And trust this: Just by reading this article—by raising your hand and saying, "I want to help my child feel better about themselves"—you’ve already taken a powerful first step.
To go deeper into supporting your child through worry, this article on kids who worry constantly offers further ideas grounded in empathy and neuroscience.