How to Support Emotional Intelligence in Kids Who Hate Losing
Understanding the Child Who Struggles with Losing
It can be heart-wrenching to see your child crumble after a loss—whether it’s over a board game, a spelling test, or losing out on a spot in the school play. If your child reacts with tears, frustration, or even self-criticism, you’re certainly not alone. Many children between the ages of 6 and 12 find losing not just disappointing, but intolerable. And while it can be tempting to gloss over or avoid these moments, they’re actually critical for developing emotional intelligence.
What Emotional Intelligence Really Means
At its core, emotional intelligence is about recognizing, understanding, and managing emotions—both one’s own and those of others. For a child who hates losing, it's not just about teaching them to be "a good sport." It’s about helping them navigate the emotional storm that follows a perceived failure or setback. These are golden opportunities for emotional growth, if we’re willing to meet them with patience and guidance.
Why Losing Feels So Big to Some Kids
Children are still learning how to calibrate their emotional responses. Losing can feel like a personal rejection or a reflection of their worth, especially in a world where achievement and comparison are often center stage. Kids who struggle with losing may also be more sensitive, perfectionistic, or deeply tied to their identity as a “winner.” The pain of losing isn’t just about the event—it’s about the self-beliefs it activates.
That’s why it’s essential to gently help them untangle their value from their performance. And that starts with presence and understanding, not lectures or quick fixes.
Building Emotional Intelligence Through Small Daily Moments
It’s easy to think emotional learning only happens during big "teaching moments," but actually, it’s in the everyday reactions that your child learns the most. When your child loses and storms off, or says they’re “stupid,” the first step isn’t offering a strategy—it’s connection.
Acknowledge how they feel before trying to redirect. Say something like, “It looks like you’re really disappointed. That game didn’t go the way you wanted.” This helps your child feel seen, which calms the nervous system and makes learning possible.
Over time, these empathetic responses create a safe foundation for helping your child reflect. After the emotions have settled, you might say, “What part felt the worst for you?” or “Have there been other times you’ve handled something like this really well?” These questions encourage emotional awareness and self-compassion.
Turning Losses Into Lessons in Self-Regulation
Developing emotional intelligence doesn’t mean children should be shielded from disappointment—it means using those moments to help them expand their emotional vocabulary and coping skills. In fact, embracing failure can become a key part of helping your child grow in resilience and confidence.
Instead of focusing on “not making a scene” when they lose, turn the focus to how their body feels when frustrated, how their thoughts might be affecting their emotions, and what helps them recenter. For some, this could be taking deep breaths or squeezing a stress ball. For others, it might be knowing they’ll have a chance to talk privately afterward. These are all building blocks of emotional regulation.
Fostering Joy in Effort, Not Just in Winning
One way to shift how children view losing is by continuously reinforcing the value of showing up, trying, and enjoying the process over the outcome. Praise the effort, creativity, or sportsmanship you notice, not just the result. Statements like, “I loved how focused you were during that game,” or “You kept going even when it got tough,” help redirect their internal motivation toward growth rather than glory.
Reframing success has a huge impact. Helping your child find joy in trying again after a loss often involves small, consistent messages that effort is more valuable than outcome—and that losing is not a verdict on who they are.
Practicing Losing Gracefully in Low-Stakes Settings
Just like with any skill, small practice moments make a big difference. Playing games at home is one way to help children experience winning and losing in a safe space. Pretend play, storytelling, and even audio-based games can give them a buffer while exploring these emotions.
For example, using audio-based games or stories where the characters model resilience can support children in developing internal dialogue around challenges. Listening to these together—even briefly during downtime—can lead to meaningful conversations.
Apps like LISN Kids, which offers original audiobooks and immersive audio series for children aged 3–12, can provide this kind of emotional modeling through stories. Whether at bedtime or while winding down after school, kids can connect with characters who grow through setbacks, friendships, and adventures. You can find LISN Kids on iOS or Android.
Helping Your Child Rebuild After the Storm
Sometimes, a loss can feel bigger than the moment. Maybe your child refuses to try again or avoids activities where they’ve previously struggled. In these cases, helping them rebuild confidence after a setback is just as important as encouraging perseverance. Start by validating their decision to take a break, and slowly invite them back with curiosity and connection, not pressure.
Setbacks are never just about performance—they’re windows into our children’s beliefs about themselves. The support we offer in those moments helps shape their inner voice for years to come.
Emotional Growth Is a Long-Term Journey
No one becomes emotionally intelligent overnight. For a child who hates losing, each frustrating moment is actually an opportunity to learn something essential about discomfort, empathy, and resilience. That learning won’t come from being told to "get over it"—it will come from being shepherded through it with love, patience, and presence.
If your child’s reactions feel overwhelming right now, take heart: progress in emotional intelligence is not linear, but it is real. Over time, with your gentle guidance, your child will learn they are more than their wins and far more capable than they believe after a loss. And that’s a victory in itself.
Still exploring ways to build resilience in your child? You might find this helpful too: Using Everyday Setbacks to Boost Your Child’s Resilience.