How to Help Your Child Calm Down When They Break Things After Losing

Understanding Emotional Outbursts After Losing

If your child breaks toys, slams doors, or screams uncontrollably after losing a game or facing a setback, you're not alone. These moments can leave you feeling helpless, embarrassed, or even angry. You might wonder: is this just a phase, or is something deeper going on?

The truth is, for many children between 6 and 12, losing — whether in a board game, sports match, or even a classroom activity — can feel overwhelming. It's not just about the loss itself, but the storm of emotions that follows: frustration, disappointment, fear of not being good enough, or even shame. And without the right coping tools, these big feelings can spill out in destructive ways.

Why Children Struggle With Losing

At this age, kids are developing their sense of identity and self-worth. They’re figuring out what they’re “good at” — and when something challenges that image, their emotional regulation skills may not be strong enough to keep intense reactions in check. Recognizing this doesn’t mean excusing the behavior — but it does help you respond with empathy rather than punishment.

If we respond only through consequences — taking away the game, scolding sharply, or forcing an apology — we risk escalating the shame that builds around losing. What kids really need in these moments is guidance in understanding their emotions and practicing alternative responses.

Helping Your Child Calm Down: What Works

Imagine this: your child just lost a board game, and the reaction is immediate. Pieces go flying, tears well up, words you didn’t expect (or hoped they never heard) come fuming out. Your instinct may be to say “That’s enough!” — and sometimes, yes, a firm boundary is necessary. But first, take a breath. This is your opportunity to teach a lifelong skill: emotional regulation.

1. Pause the moment, then revisit it later

Immediately after a meltdown, emotions are running too high for learning or reasoning. Give them (and yourself) space to breathe. Later, when things have quieted down, revisit the incident with curiosity rather than judgment. Try saying:

• "You seemed really upset when the game ended. Want to tell me what was going on?"
• "Losing doesn't feel great sometimes. What do you think could help next time?"

This kind of conversation, over time, helps kids name what they’re feeling and builds awareness of what triggers their reactions.

2. Teach emotional language intentionally

Kids often erupt simply because they don’t yet have the words — or awareness — to describe their internal state. Building an emotional vocabulary is essential for emotional growth. Stories are a powerful way to do this naturally.

This collection of stories about accepting losing can help children see their feelings mirrored in characters, offering them language and models for reacting differently.

3. Practice losing… on purpose

It's a surprising strategy, but playing games where your child knows they might lose — and setting the tone compassionately — builds tolerance over time. You can model graceful losing yourself or even celebrate effort, not outcome. Try saying:

• “Wow, that was a great move you made. I didn’t see that coming!”
• “I didn’t win this time, but I had fun playing with you.”

Read more about why learning to lose is essential for emotional growth.

4. Build calming rituals into daily life

Children don’t learn to regulate emotions in heated moments alone — they need repeated exposure to calming tools and routines. Consider creating a “calm corner” with sensory tools they enjoy, or introducing mindful activities like drawing, breathing exercises, or audio stories before bed.

Apps like iOS / Android LISN Kids offer original, emotionally rich audiobooks and series for ages 3–12 that help children wind down and learn about feelings through narratives they love. These audio stories can be a gentle way to explore difficult topics — like losing or disappointment — in a safe, cozy setting.

5. Address patterns gently but firmly

When destructive behavior becomes recurring, it’s important to set respectful limits. Make it clear that expressing anger is okay — hurting others or breaking things is not. Consider saying:

• “It’s alright to feel upset. It’s not okay to throw the dice across the room.”
• “We’re going to take a break from this game. We can try again when you feel calm.”

Explore these playful strategies to build emotional regulation to replace overreactions with healthier responses.

6. Reinforce kindness and repair

After emotions cool, help your child reflect on how their actions affected others, and explore ideas for making amends. This is not about punishment — it's about connection. A child who’s broken a sibling’s toy in anger may choose to help fix it, replace it, or simply offer a true apology.

If you’re unsure how to guide your child toward empathy, this gentle primer on cultivating kindness after a loss offers age-appropriate ways to model and encourage compassion.

Final Thoughts: What Your Child Needs Most

Big feelings don’t make your child “bad” — they’re human. And like all humans, they’re on a journey of learning how to respond to disappointment, loss, and failure. These moments, frustrating and exhausting as they are, offer real, teachable opportunities for growth — not just for your child, but for your relationship with them.

With patience, empathy, consistent boundaries, and the right tools, your child can learn to lose without rage, and grow into someone who bounces back after setbacks — instead of breaking down.