How to Find the Right Words to Comfort Your Child After a Loss

When Big Emotions Follow Small Losses

Imagine your child, head down, shoulders slumped, eyes brimming with tears after losing a soccer match, a board game, or even a spelling test. As adults, we might say, “It’s just a game” or “You’ll do better next time.” But for a child between 6 and 12, those words might feel hollow, or worse, dismissive. Losses, no matter how small they seem to us, can feel enormous to a child still learning how to navigate failure, self-worth, and emotional resilience.

So how do we, as caring but stretched-thin parents, find the right words when our kids are crushed by defeat? What can we say that validates their feelings—but doesn’t encourage a fear of trying again?

Start With Presence, Not Solutions

In that moment of disappointment, your child doesn’t need inspiration or advice. They need you. Set aside the impulse to teach or reframe the moment right away. Instead, focus on being emotionally available. Your silence, your eye contact, your hug—those are sometimes the most nourishing words you can offer.

If your child is open to talking, try phrases like:

• “That felt really hard, didn’t it?”
• “I saw how much effort you put in. It’s okay to feel upset.”
• “Do you want to talk about it, or should we just sit together for a bit?”

The core message is: your feelings are valid, and I’m here with you. That alone builds trust and emotional literacy your child will carry for life.

Understand What Losing Might Mean to Them

Every child responds to loss differently. Some get angry, others shut down, and some refuse to try again. These responses can be rooted in deeper beliefs: a fear of not being good enough, anxiety about disappointing others, or a perfectionist mindset. If your child routinely struggles with loss, it may help to explore why they might find losing so unbearable.

Once you better understand their internal world, your words can feel more tailored, more empathetic. For example: if your child feels their worth is tied to winning, you might gently say, “You’re loved because of who you are, not what you win.” Or if they fear being judged: “I’m proud of you for showing up. Everyone has hard days.”

Help Them Build a Narrative That Strengthens Resilience

Eventually, the goal is to support your child in rebuilding their motivation and confidence. But timing matters. Once they’ve had time to process, you can begin to explore the experience together. Sharing stories—real or fictional—can be powerful for helping children reinterpret failure in a more constructive light. If your child is still resistant to trying again, you might find insight in how to reignite motivation after a difficult loss.

This is also where resources like the LISN Kids App can be helpful. Their original audiobooks and audio series are designed for kids aged 3–12 and feature stories that gently teach emotional resilience, friendship, and perseverance. Listening together on Apple App Store (iOS) or Google Play (Android) can create a soothing bedtime ritual or offer comfort during quiet moments after a tough day.

What Not to Say (Even If It Feels Like the Right Thing)

It’s easy to slip into offering comfort that accidentally minimizes. Here are some common phrases to be cautious of:

• “Don’t cry, it’s just a game.” – This can make your child feel like their emotions aren’t acceptable.
• “You’ll win next time.” – While well-intentioned, this keeps winning as the ultimate goal, rather than growth.
• “Everyone loses.” – It’s true, but it might be more helpful to talk about how people bounce back after losing.

Instead, focus on open-ended questions and reflective listening. Let your child lead the processing when possible.

Turning Defeat Into Strength

One of the most empowering gifts we can give our children is the understanding that it’s okay to fail and still be worthy. That setbacks are part of learning. If your child is ready to go deeper, explore together how you can turn a defeat into a learning opportunity. Maybe your child learns something about communication, preparation—or even their own strength in trying again despite fear.

And while it’s normal for frustration and sadness to surface, the goal isn’t to eliminate those feelings. It’s to equip your child with the confidence to keep going. You’ll make mistakes in how you comfort them—that’s okay, too. Parenting, after all, is practice.

Final Thoughts: Reframing Wins, Losses, and What Really Matters

It’s easy to confuse self-esteem with success, but for our children, the foundation of resilience is built on connection. When your child loses—at school, at games, in friendships—what they remember most won’t be whether they won or lost. They’ll remember how you made them feel in that moment.

For more insight, you might find it helpful to read about common mistakes to avoid when your child can’t stand losing, or explore games and stories that teach kids how to cope with the fear of failure. These aren’t magic fixes—but each conversation, each story, each attempt to hold space for your child’s feelings is another thread in the tapestry of who they’re becoming.