When the School Thinks Your Child Is Being Disrespectful: How to Open a Real Dialogue

Understanding What ‘Insolence’ Might Really Mean

When a teacher tells you your child is being insolent, it’s hard not to flinch. Maybe your child rolled their eyes, spoke out of turn, or used a sarcastic tone in class. Some days, school reports feel less like updates and more like judgment calls. But before jumping to conclusions—or to discipline—it’s important to take a step back and ask: is this really about disrespect… or could it be something deeper?

Many children aged 6 to 12 don’t yet have the emotional vocabulary to say, “I’m overwhelmed,” “I don’t understand this,” or “I’m anxious being here.” So instead, they push back. What looks like defiance might just be frustration wrapped in a sarcastic tone. In fact, some children seen as 'troublemakers' are simply struggling to cope with stress they don’t know how to express.

Start By Listening—Even If You’re Upset

It’s natural to feel disappointed or defensive when school staff describes your child negatively. But children, even those who act out, need to feel safe before they can be honest. That starts at home.

So when your child comes home sullen or angry after a bad day at school, set aside judgment and lean in with curiosity. Not interrogation—just quiet presence. Try saying:

• “You seemed upset when you got home. Want to talk about it?”
• “It sounds like today was tough. I’m here to listen.”

If your child says something like, “My teacher hates me,” resist the urge to correct them. Instead, try, “What makes you feel that way?”—and invite them to explain. Let them tell their story in their own words, even if it’s messy or emotional. Often, children labeled as ‘rude’ are really just misunderstood.

What School Might Not See

Unlike what we see at home, schools usually see our children in a very specific context—high demands, social rules, limited downtime. This environment can be especially tough for children with learning differences, sensory needs, or anxiety. If your child can’t sit still, listen without interrupting, or regulate emotions easily, teachers may interpret this as intentional misbehavior.

Consider observing whether your child experiences similar challenges at home. If distractions, big emotional reactions, or zoning out are frequent, it might be helpful to understand their behavior through a broader lens. This article on why children talk to themselves, for example, sheds light on how certain behaviors are misread as defiance when they’re actually coping strategies.

Building a Bridge With the School

Creating a true dialogue with school staff is not always easy, especially when you feel like your child is being unfairly judged. But communication is the antidote to misunderstanding. Instead of jumping to defend, enter the conversation with the goal of understanding the school’s perspective while also gently inviting them to consider your child’s emotional world.

Here are a few strategies:

• Request a meeting. Face-to-face conversations often offer more nuance than emails. Express that you want to work as a team to support your child.
• Share context. If your child has recently experienced stress, changes at home, or has traits tied to ADHD, sensory processing, or anxiety, let the school know. Often, knowing the ‘why’ helps reframe their view of your child.
• Stay collaborative. Use phrases like “What have you noticed?” and “How can we support them together?” rather than “You’re misunderstanding my child.”

Sometimes, educators simply need help seeing behavior differently. For example, a child who can’t sit still might look disruptive—but they could actually be trying to self-regulate or stay focused in the only way they know how.

Support Emotional Regulation at Home

Outside of school, it’s equally important to help your child develop the tools they need to express big emotions in constructive ways. This doesn’t need to be a daily therapy session—it can be as simple as modeling how to stay calm ourselves, verbalizing our feelings (“I’m feeling a little anxious right now”), and offering regular openings for connection and rest.

Books, music, audio stories, or screen-free routines can be especially soothing for children who come home emotionally drained. Some parents have found that using age-appropriate audio resources, like the iOS or Android version of the LISN Kids App, gives their children a calm transition time between school and homework. With a rich library of original audiobooks and series for kids aged 3–12, it can offer not just entertainment but emotional relief in moments of overwhelm.

Screen-free wind-down moments are often overlooked but can be powerful in helping children recharge and decompress without additional stimulation.

When It Goes Deeper Than Behavior

If patterns persist, and your child continues to be described as defiant or disrespectful—even as you work on emotional tools—it may be time to explore further support. Evaluations for learning differences, ADHD, anxiety, or emotional regulation challenges can give you invaluable insight. You might find that your child isn’t trying to be difficult; they’re battling invisible hurdles no one has seen clearly yet.

This aligns with ideas from articles like understanding unique learning styles, which explain why kids who ‘check out’ or ‘ignore instructions’ may just process the world differently and need different strategies.

Every child wants to succeed. Every child wants to belong. Sometimes, the gap between what they feel inside and how they express it on the outside is just too wide. Our job isn’t to fix them—it’s to help build the bridge.

Final Thoughts

When the school sees your child as disrespectful, it doesn’t make you a bad parent—or them a bad kid. It’s an opportunity for connection, even if it doesn't feel like one right away. Start with empathy. Stay in the moment. Wait to understand before reacting. And remember: your child trusts you to be the translator of feelings too big for them to put into words.

They’re not being insolent. They’re just asking you to help them be seen.