What to Say (and Not Say) to Your Child During a Divorce

When Words Matter Most

If you're navigating a divorce with children aged 6 to 12, you're likely carrying more than your share of emotional weight. You're trying to piece together a new version of your family’s life while still giving your child the comfort, stability, and love they need right now—and all within the frame of busy routines, school projects, and harrowing bedtimes. When children are caught in the changing tides of divorce, your words can feel like anchors—or like waves that deepen their sense of confusion.

This article isn’t about getting it perfect. It’s about helping you speak with your child in a way that feels safe, reassuring, and grounded—even when you’re struggling to find those things for yourself.

What Your Child Needs to Hear

Children in this age group are perceptive. They might not understand all the specifics of a relationship breakdown, but they are acutely aware of shifts in mood, routine, or the unspoken tension between parents. What they need above all is emotional clarity and consistency in your communication.

Here are phrases that can offer reassurance and emotional clarity:

• “We both love you, no matter what.” – This needs to be repeated often. Children can internalize divorce as a reflection of their worth; remind them that your love remains unchanged by the separation.
• “This isn't your fault.” – Children sometimes believe their behavior caused the split. Say this directly, and with eye contact.
• “You can talk to me about how you feel.” – Create space for your child to share their thoughts or ask uncomfortable questions. If you don’t have answers, tell them, “I don’t know right now, but I’ll let you know when I do.”
• “Even though we live in different homes now, you’ll always have a home with each of us.” – This reinforces stability and the idea that love is not tied to geography.

You can find more ideas for supporting your child emotionally in this related post: How to Build Stability for a Child Living Between Two Homes.

Well-Meaning Phrases That Can Do More Harm Than Good

Even with the best intentions, some common comments can deepen your child’s anxiety or leave them feeling caught in the middle. Here are a few examples worth reflecting on and alternatives to consider:

• “Everything’s fine.”
  When kids see their reality changing—suitcases being packed, calendars rewritten—telling them “everything’s fine” can feel dishonest or dismissive. Instead, say: “Some things are changing, and it’s normal to feel unsure. I’m here with you through all of it.”
• “Don’t tell your other parent I said this...”
  This pulls your child into adult dynamics and forces them into a role they should never have to play. If you're co-parenting, prioritize open and respectful communication when you can.
• “Mom/Dad left us.”
  This framing can lead kids to feel abandoned or blame the other parent in a black-and-white way. Instead, acknowledge the complexity: “We made this decision together because we thought it would help us all feel better in the long run.”

If you’ve already said something you regret, it’s also okay to go back and say, “I wish I said that differently. Here’s what I really meant.” That kind of modeling shows your child that every relationship takes care, repair, and reflection.

Making Space for Big Feelings

Children aged 6 to 12 often don’t have the vocabulary—or the emotional safety—to express what’s going on inside them. Their confusion might come out as anger, withdrawal, or even changes in school performance. It can help to use external tools to support them emotionally.

Some parents find that establishing a bedtime ritual gives kids an outlet for stressful thoughts in a moment of calm. Listening to stories together can become a peaceful, shared activity—especially when you feel your evenings are otherwise filled with tension or logistics. In times like these, audio storytelling can be incredibly grounding. The iOS and Android versions of the LISN Kids app offer original audiobooks and comforting series specifically designed for children ages 3 to 12, making it easier to create that moment of calm—even from separate households.

For more inspiration on post-separation bedtime rituals, read: Evening Activities to Soothe Kids Through Divorce.

Helping Kids Carry (and Not Hide) Their Emotions

Sometimes the pressure we put on ourselves—to give our children a “normal” experience after divorce—can backfire. Children sense when emotions are being hidden, and they might learn to do the same. Rather than pretending that things are always okay, aim to say: “I know this is hard. Some days are heavy. But there are also good things ahead, and I’ll be here through all of it.”

Practicing gentle honesty, paired with consistency and warmth, fosters emotional strength—not just for them, but for you, too.

If you've noticed your child acting differently or struggling more than usual since the separation, you’re not alone. These two guides may offer more insight:

• Why Is My Child Acting Differently After Our Separation?
• Why Audiobooks Are a Comforting Ritual for Children of Divorced Parents

Creating a Brave Space for Growth

The words you choose won’t erase your family’s challenges—but they can transform the way your child processes change. With every thoughtful conversation, you give your child the tools to handle difficult emotions and to trust that love isn’t something lost during transition—it’s something that adapts and endures.

Remember, you don’t need to say everything perfectly. You just need to keep showing up—and letting your love come through, sentence by sentence.