Understanding Baffling Behaviors Without Resorting to Punishment

When Your Child's Behavior Leaves You Speechless

It’s late in the day. Your child storms off after you ask them to start their homework. Or maybe they talk back in a tone that sets your nerves on edge. Or they seem to be in their own world, again. You’ve tried reminders, consequences, even rewards—but nothing seems to work. In these moments, it's easy to feel helpless or even angry. But what if these behaviors aren’t defiance or laziness? What if they’re messages in disguise?

Behavior Is Communication—Even When It’s Loud or Confusing

Children between 6 and 12 are in a complicated stage of development. Their brains are maturing rapidly, emotions are hard to regulate, and school can feel like a rollercoaster of expectations. When we see behaviors that baffle us—resistance, outbursts, zoning out—it helps to pause and ask: what is my child trying to say?

For example, if your child says, “This homework is stupid,” you might feel tempted to correct the tone or enforce discipline. But sometimes, underneath those words is a cry for help: “I’m overwhelmed.” “I don’t understand this.” “I’m scared to fail.”

This doesn’t mean we accept aggression or rudeness. Rather, it means we slow down the reaction and shift our focus to connection before correction.

Start with Curiosity, Not Control

When your child acts in puzzling or defiant ways, your first instinct may be to regain control of the situation. But often, curiosity is the key to meaningful change. Ask yourself:

• What might they be feeling right now that they can’t express in words?
• When do these behaviors seem to show up most often—Is it during transitions? After school?
• Could learning challenges, sensory stress, or social worries be playing a hidden role?

Many parents find insight when they step back from assumptions and move toward observation. For instance, a child labeled as "lazy" may actually be protecting themselves from feelings of inadequacy at school. This idea is explored in our post What If What We Call Laziness Was Actually a Different Kind of Intelligence.

Why Punishment Often Misses the Point

Punishment can stop a behavior in the short term, but it rarely teaches the skill or awareness your child actually needs. For children dealing with learning difficulties or emotional overload, consequences often add shame to an already stressful experience.

True growth comes when kids feel safe enough to reflect on their choices. That safety starts with connection, not control. This doesn’t mean we abandon boundaries—but instead of "You lost screen time because you yelled," we might say, "I saw that you were really upset. Let’s talk about what happened after we both calm down."

Or, consider catching your child being brave: "I noticed you didn’t want to do that worksheet, but you stuck with it for five minutes. That’s perseverance." These small recognitions can build resilience better than any time-out ever could.

Creating a Home Environment That Supports Regulation

A child’s ability to regulate behavior is deeply influenced by their environment. If your child is often dysregulated after school or seems to struggle with focus, structure, and transitions, their behavior may be showing you where adjustments are needed.

Think of their nervous system like a cup of water. School fills it up with instructions, routines, and sensory input. By the time they get home, one more drop—like a simple request—can cause an overflow.

What helps soothe overloaded systems?

• Building in gentle routines that allow for decompression after school
• Allowing choice and autonomy where possible (homework in the living room or kitchen?)
• Recognizing when your child may simply need to feel seen and heard without being "fixed"
• Creating calm-down rituals like drawing, listening to music—or even engaging with audiobooks

One gentle tool that many families use to wind down is the LISN Kids App, which offers original audiobooks and audio series designed for children ages 3 to 12. Listening to a story can offer a quiet bridge between the chaos of school and the demands of home. Available on iOS and Android, it can become part of your family’s after-school reset routine.

Responding With Presence, Not Perfection

You don’t need to have all the answers. In fact, trying to “fix” every behavior can backfire. What your child needs most is your presence. Your willingness to sit beside them when they’re struggling—not to solve the problem right away, but to show that they are not alone in it.

Sometimes, being present means saying, “I see you’re having a hard time. Let’s take a five-minute break and then talk.” And other times, it means recognizing your own need to step away, breathe, and come back with fresh eyes.

If your child often appears unfocused or lost in their own world, you might also find this article helpful: Is Your Child Often In Their Own World?.

Building Resilience Takes Time

Parenting a child who struggles with learning, focus, or emotional control isn’t easy. You’re navigating expectations from schools, the pressure to “fix” things quickly, and your own fatigue. But remember, growth doesn’t come from forced compliance—it comes from feeling safe, understood, and empowered.

If you find yourself wondering when to adjust and when to worry, our article Slow Worker at School: When to Worry and When to Adjust the Pace might offer some clarity.

In the moments you feel defeated or confused by your child’s behavior, take heart in this: underneath every unusual, loud, or resistant behavior is a child doing the best they can with the skills they have—and a parent doing the same. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to keep showing up.