How to Help Your Child Stop Comparing Themselves to Others and Start Setting Their Own Goals

When comparison takes over: what's happening in your child's mind

If your child frequently compares themselves to classmates, siblings, or even characters in books or TV shows—you're not alone. Many children between the ages of 6 and 12 begin to notice differences in skills, achievements, and appearances. It's a natural part of development. But for some, it becomes a habit that leads to frustration, low self-worth, or perfectionism. As a parent watching this unfold, it can feel heartbreaking—and exhausting.

You might hear your child say, "Liam is better at math than me," or "I’ll never draw as well as Ava." These moments aren’t just passing comments. They’re glimpses into a child struggling to define their sense of worth. The challenge for us as adults is to gently redirect that mindset—toward one that values personal progress over comparison. But how do we guide our kids toward self-set goals without adding pressure or discouragement?

More than just achievement: helping kids discover personal meaning in goals

Children thrive most when their goals aren’t just about being "better than" someone else. They thrive when their goals reflect their interests, effort, and curiosity. But many children who compare themselves often struggle with intrinsic motivation—that inner drive to do something because it matters to them.

This is where a parent's approach can make all the difference. Instead of focusing on results or asking, "Why can’t you be more like your sister?" try asking questions like:

• "What part of this project are you most proud of so far?"
• "What’s one small thing you want to try differently next time?"
• "Is there something you really enjoy and want to get better at, even just for yourself?"

These kinds of conversations help children shift attention from peers toward their own process. Over time, they start to realize that goals are not about comparison—they’re about growth.

Letting go of the “better than” mindset

Comparison lives in extremes. Either your child feels superior, which can fuel anxiety around maintaining that status—or they feel behind, which leads to discouragement or avoidance. Neither end of that spectrum cultivates resilience.

Helping your child set goals in a non-competitive way supports emotional well-being and realistic growth. In fact, one way to encourage this is by working on small, esteem-building goals that have nothing to do with school or performance. For example, maybe your child loves reading fantasy books, building LEGO scenes, or learning about sea animals. Could a short-term goal be to write their own story, try building a certain structure, or research three new ocean facts to share at dinner?

When you keep goal setting light and play-based, your child learns that goals aren’t punishments or checkboxes—they’re invitations to grow their own interests. That’s where true confidence develops.

Staying beside them, not ahead of them

Children who frequently compare themselves might need more help learning how to stay focused on their own path. That doesn’t mean constantly cheering them on. Sometimes, it just means being with them in the process—without rushing in with advice or correcting everything.

One powerful yet simple approach is to use storytelling. Listening to stories of characters who navigate obstacles, learn at their own pace, or overcome setbacks can deeply normalize self-paced growth. The iOS and Android versions of the LISN Kids App offer a wide variety of original audio series and books that follow relatable characters in age-appropriate narratives. It's a simple tool your child can enjoy on their own or with you—and it may naturally prompt conversations about effort, patience, and personal growth.

What to say when your child gets discouraged

There will still be days when comparisons creep in. Your child may sigh in frustration and say, "Everyone else is better than me." In those moments, resist the urge to reassure them with generic praise like, "You're just as good!" or "Don't say that." Instead, try acknowledging those feelings and then hold space for a reset.

You might respond with, "It feels really frustrating to think someone does it better than you. It’s okay to feel that way. But you're also learning—and you get to do it your way." Then ask, "What’s one step you want to take next, just for you?"

Helping your child bounce back from discouragement matters just as much as helping them set goals in the first place. If this is something your child struggles with often, our article on what to do when your child gets discouraged might be worth saving for later.

Rethinking success as a family

Finally, remember that your family culture helps shape your child’s self-perception. If your household celebrates only achievements—good grades, medals, big wins—it’s easy for kids to grow up thinking they have to measure up. But when you regularly talk at dinner about what everyone tried this week, what felt hard, or what they enjoyed doing just to learn—your child starts seeing effort and exploration as success, too.

Over time, your child will begin to build a compass that points inward—not outward. They'll still notice what others are doing, but they'll be less defined by it. And that shift—from comparing, to creating—can change everything.

For more tools to support a mindful, goal-focused approach to parenting, you can explore related articles on gentle discipline through goals and balancing rewards and intrinsic motivation.