How to Help Your Child Handle Losing With Confidence and Compassion

Understanding Why Defeat Hurts So Much at This Age

It’s a school night. Your 9-year-old has just lost a math challenge in class or maybe didn’t win in a board game you played as a family. Suddenly, the tears come. Maybe there’s even shouting, tossing of papers, or slammed doors. You sigh, exhausted already. Why is your child reacting so strongly to something as simple as not winning?

Between ages 6 and 12, children are in a key developmental phase. Their self-esteem is still forming, and they’re beginning to define themselves — often through comparison with others. A small failure can feel huge. Defeat doesn’t just mean “I lost”; it can feel like “I’m not good enough.” Especially for kids who already face school-related stress or learning challenges, these moments can strike at the heart of their self-confidence.

Resisting the Urge to “Fix” It Right Away

As a parent, the natural instinct is to reassure: “It’s just a game.” “You’ll do better next time.” Or even: “It wasn’t that important.” While well-intentioned, these responses can unintentionally dismiss the big emotions your child is experiencing. For them, this loss feels significant.

Instead, try slowing things down. Help them name what they’re feeling. You might say, “It looks like you’re feeling really disappointed” or “I can tell that really didn’t go the way you hoped.” Just offering space to sit with their emotions — without rushing them out of it — can be surprisingly healing. Over time, this builds emotional literacy, a skill that helps them recognize and manage feelings better in the future.

Modeling a Healthy Relationship With Defeat

Children learn more from your behavior than your words. How do you react when you lose, whether it's a game, an opportunity, or something small like forgetting something important? If you’re able to say out loud, “I’m frustrated I didn’t win, but I’m proud I tried my best,” you’re teaching your child that value doesn’t come from victory alone.

This doesn’t mean you need to start scheduling intentional losses — but it does mean staying mindful of how you show up in those little everyday moments. Creating a home environment where setbacks are normalized — even expected — builds emotional resilience.

Building Resilience Through Play and Storytelling

Children often process big feelings more easily through imaginative play and storytelling than through direct conversation. Books and stories where characters stumble, learn, and grow stronger can offer a comforting mirror. They help kids build empathy and see defeat not as failure, but as part of the human experience.

Audio stories, in particular, can be transformative — they engage your child’s imagination while giving their body and brain a chance to settle. The iOS and Android versions of the LISN Kids app offer original story series where characters problem-solve, overcome disappointment, and find creative ways to navigate challenges.

This can be a wonderful emotional bridge for children learning to manage big feelings — especially if they’re already spending a lot of time attached to screens. For more ideas, explore creative offline ideas to unplug as a family.

Creating Opportunities to Practice Coping, Not Just Winning

Helping your child handle defeat isn’t about tough love, nor is it about praising every effort until it loses meaning. It’s about gently showing them — through repetition, conversation, and compassion — that losing is part of learning.

One approach? Design situations where there are natural ups and downs, and support them as they face both. Whether your child is playing cards, building puzzles, or trying a new skill, these moments become opportunities to practice sportsmanship, self-reflection, and emotional recovery.

You can also strengthen this process by:

• Asking reflective questions like, “What will you try differently next time?” or “What did you learn?”
• Sharing your own small setbacks — unfinished tasks, awkward conversations, near-misses — and what you learned from them
• Focusing praise on effort rather than outcome: “I noticed how hard you worked on that!” instead of “You’re so smart.”

Reframing Identity Beyond Achievement

Some kids become quickly attached to being “the smart one,” “the athletic one,” or “the best reader.” While it’s natural to celebrate achievements, attaching too much identity to outcomes can make any mistake feel like a threat to who they are.

The goal is to help your child see themselves as a learner and a grower — someone who is brave enough to try, not just afraid to lose. Remind them gently, again and again, that being good at something isn’t what makes them loveable. Simply being them is enough.

When Defeat Becomes a Pattern of Shame

If you start to see signs that your child avoids activities they used to enjoy, or reacts to setbacks with deep shame or self-blame, don’t dismiss it as a “phase.” These reactions may point to deeper struggles with perfectionism, fear of failure, or school-related anxiety.

Reconnecting with playfulness, empathy, and emotional expression are powerful tools. Consider looking into ways to create calm moments through routines or screen-free transitions. Or reflect on evening rituals that give your child a sense of closure, comfort, and renewed self-trust after difficult days.

Winning is fun. But learning to lose — with grace, with resilience, with heart — is a lifelong strength. And with your steady guidance, your child will get there.